Love, Relationships & Arthritis

Released Feb. 11, 2025

 

PODCAST OPEN:      

You’re listening to the Live Yes! With Arthritis podcast, created by the Arthritis Foundation to help people with arthritis — and the people who love them — live their best lives. This podcast and other life-changing resources are made possible by gifts from donors like you. If you’re dealing with chronic pain, this podcast is for you. You may have arthritis, but it doesn’t have you. Here, learn how you can take control of arthritis with tips and ideas from our hosts and guest experts.

 

MUSIC BRIDGE

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Hi, welcome to The Live Yes! With Arthritis podcast. I'm Dr. Stephanie Rosado, your host for this episode. I'm a senior research evaluation and learning associate at the Foundation for a Healthy St. Petersburg here in South Florida, and an adjunct professor at the University of South Florida School of Social Work. And I'm also a certified wellness and health coach.

 

I was also diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my early 20s as a collegiate and then professional athlete and have been living with the condition since. Chronic conditions like arthritis can put a strain on nearly every aspect of life. Love and relationships, whether romantic, platonic or familial, are no exception.

 

In this episode, we'll discuss the challenges arthritis poses to love and relationships, how to cope and overcome them, as well as how relationships can provide some surprising health benefits. Today, I'm joined by Brianna Ramos, also known online as “That Girl With Arthritis,” and psychotherapist Katie Willard Virant. Brianna and Katie, welcome to the podcast.

 

Katie Willard Virant:

Thank you.

 

Brianna Ramos:

Thanks so much, Stephanie.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

So, I guess we'll start with you Brianna. Tell us a little bit about yourself and your experiences with arthritis.

 

Brianna Ramos:

Sure. I am 27 years old. I also live in the Tampa, Florida, area. I was diagnosed with a form of arthritis when I was just 13 years old. I was diagnosed with mixed connective tissue disease, which is an overlap of juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and scleroderma in my case. I have been involved with the Arthritis Foundation from really early on and found a lot of friends and connections through a lot of the events that they have along the way, which has been really helpful for my arthritis journey overall.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Awesome. And fun fact: Brianna has hosted me on her podcast as well, so it's fun to be doing the reverse and kind of hosting you on this podcast. (laughs)

 

Brianna Ramos:

Yeah, that's so true. (laughs)

 

Stephanie Rosado:

So, Katie, tell us a little bit about yourself.

 

Katie Willard Virant:

I'm a psychotherapist. I practice in St Louis, Missouri. I have a special interest in working with people who live with chronic illness. I also write a monthly column for Psychology Today magazine about the emotional aspects of living with chronic illness. I, myself, have lived with Crohn's disease since I was 18. With Crohn's, I've had some arthritis episodes, but not a continuous diagnosis. I've worked with many people with arthritis and I'm very happy to be here today.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Thank you for sharing and all the advocacy that you do in your written work and in your practice. So, let's get into the meaty content of the podcast. Despite the challenges, love and relationships can have big health benefits, both mental and physical. What are some of those key health benefits?

 

Katie Willard Virant:

Well, we know that loneliness is a big epidemic. The outgoing surgeon general wrote about that and cautioned us about that. And I think especially, we're still feeling the effects of COVID-19, even though, you know, it's five years since it arose. We know that disconnection and loneliness increase our risk for depression, for anxiety, and the flip side of that is that connection, friendship, relationships are protective factors in terms of our mental and emotional health.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Brianna, have you experienced any of those health benefits?

 

Brianna Ramos:

Yeah, definitely. My husband and I have been married for almost three years now, and we've been together longer than that. But I think like companionship, having someone there that you can always talk to, always rely on and knows your story from beginning to where it is today, having someone really there for you who knows it all and understands it is really helpful.

 

Outside of my relationship with my husband, I have a lot of really close friends who serve a very similar benefit to me, I think especially emotionally. I think a lot of us arthritis warriors have experienced that connection between like our emotional and physical health. So, I think they're really interconnected.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Let's talk about some of the biggest impacts arthritis has had on love and relationships. Brianna?

 

Brianna Ramos:

I thought my arthritis was going to be a really big player in my relationships, and I was worried about that. I was very worried for a long time that I wouldn't find a partner who loved and accepted me, because I thought my arthritis was this huge burden, and I didn't want someone else to have to carry that alongside me. But when I've talked time and time again about arthritis with arthritis warriors who are in relationships is that their partners don't see it as a burden. It's really just a part of who you are.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Katie, do you want to chime in on that and maybe what you've seen in your practice?

 

Katie Willard Virant:

You know, I think that arthritis and any chronic illness, really, there's several hurdles. One is the ability to engage in social interaction. When a person is living in pain, when a person is living with fatigue, it's harder. It's the getting ready, the showering, getting your hair and makeup done.

 

For someone living with chronic illness, it takes a considerable amount of energy. I remember reading in one article: A young woman with MS was talking about this, and she said, "By the time I show up to the social event, I'm already exhausted." I think that's noteworthy.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Brianna, do you want to share a little bit about how you have coped or overcome these challenges that Katie just mentioned?

 

Brianna Ramos:

Yeah. I think it took a long time for me and some therapy to kind of accept the arthritis part of myself and how it shaped the person I am today. It's not like this big secret that I feel like I'm sharing or having to hide but having that piece of acceptance helped me along the journey.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

What about, you know, family relationships? What's been your experience with different types of relationships when it comes to your arthritis?

 

Brianna Ramos:

I was diagnosed at 13, so my parents did a lot of the sharing for me. They shared with my family when I was diagnosed. They helped me get my 504 set up at school, so my school knew. I shared with some friends. So, I didn't have to do a lot of sharing when I was younger. But as I've gotten older, obviously, and now married and have my husband's side of the family, I've had to introduce my story to a whole new group of people, which has been really intimidating.

 

Sharing with those new family members was daunting, but I was able to share it in a way that I was really comfortable with. My favorite way to share about my arthritis with people I'm first meeting is to talk about some of the volunteering or advocacy work I'm doing. Usually it's camp, and I'm like, "I used to go to this summer camp for kids with arthritis, Camp JRA, and it was wonderful, and I got to volunteer."

 

And they're like, "Oh, that's cool. Like, why'd you go to that camp?" "Well, I had arthritis." And having like that elevator pitch in my back pocket, ready for family or friends, things like that, has always been really helpful for me. I don't always tell people right off the bat like, "Hey, I have arthritis." But when it's family or friends, being prepared to tell them is a good first step.

 

PROMO:

Arthritis can make having and raising a healthy family a unique challenge — and uniquely rewarding. Find out how to improve your chances of having a healthy baby, while protecting your own health. Go to arthritis.org/family-planning.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Katie, do you mind sharing about, maybe from your professional perspective, what are some good coping strategies for dealing with these type of challenges that we were just talking about? And do they differ depending on the type of relationship?

 

Katie Willard Virant:

I'll circle back to something that we spoke about earlier in the conversation about acceptance. And I think that piece is really important. We all have a relationship with ourselves, like relationship starts there, really. Where am I in terms of how I feel about my illness? What are things that are getting in my way? What are some beliefs that I'm holding that may not be serving me?

 

Just keeping your finger on the pulse of where you stand in your relationship to yourself I think is really important. Something I see is people both overestimating their ability to get a million things done and underestimating their ability to get things done. I would just say that your plate is well-balanced, that you have some maybe work obligations, social obligations, some rest and relaxation, family time, things that are important to you in your life.

 

Because often, people with chronic illness, something’s got to give, right? They’ll say, “Well, I can go to school, and I can live with this illness, but that’s it. That’s all the energy I’ve got. I don’t have time for friends.” That’s problematic. So, if I'm working with somebody who's living like that, we want to see if we can make a little bit of room on the plate for some friends.

 

Some people will try to get everything in and end up exhausting themselves. Other people will say, "I don't want to end up in the hospital, I don't want to end up in a flare, I'm going to pull way back." And their lives get really narrow as a result. So, for those people, it's a matter of: How do we open your life a little bit in a way that feels safe for your health, so that you're living a full life.

 

It varies day to day, hour to hour. I think that we have the opportunity to get really good at living in the moment. At saying, "Where is my body right now? In this space, in this time; not yesterday, not tomorrow, but right now. What is it like for me? And what can I do?"

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Yeah.

 

Brianna Ramos:

Yeah, that's a good point. I think learning your limits is a huge part of this. Like learning them and also being honest with yourself about them. And being OK with slowing down and taking those breaks. It takes time. Your friends, family, those relationships — it's not easy, it takes time. But once you're honest with yourself about your limits, it gets easier to communicate that with others.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Knowing how to ask for help and being able to ask for help when you've prioritized that list of what you can and can't do, we might need to ask for help to get the rest of the things done, right? And so, that could also be a coping strategy in itself, because you know that you can ask for help when you need it.

 

Katie Willard Virant:

Absolutely. I think that's a really important point. I think asking for help, and also, especially in the context of family, being OK. Or at least being able to bear other people's disappointment. I’m thinking especially of parents living with arthritis who have small children, and there are going to be times when parents say, “You know, I'm flaring, I can't do that right now,” or “I need to rest.” And kids will be disappointed.

 

I've seen that that's a real hard thing for a lot of parents of young children to cope with but getting comfortable with that. The idea that somebody being disappointed doesn't mean they don't love me, it doesn't mean I'm failing; it means I wish that I were able to do this, but I'm not.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Yeah. In order to manage expectations from others and even from yourself of what you can and can't do, you really need to take that inventory and be honest and also communicate. The next question I have is: What are some other ways that we can strengthen our relationships and build bonds with the various relationships we have? And, you know, we can think outside the box. We have work relationships, we have friendships, we have intimate relationships. What do you think Brianna?

 

Brianna Ramos:

Yeah. I think a lot of it goes back to communication, with intimate relationships specifically. Communication has been a really tough point for me, communicating clearly about how I'm feeling. Communicating clearly about where my pain is at, putting it on a pain scale. Describing it in a way for someone else to understand has been really hard for me. But I think it really helps the people around you support you better and understand what you're going through a little bit better.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Katie, do you have any ideas for how to strengthen bonds?

 

Katie Willard Virant:

I'm thinking about authenticity. About how so much in our culture is about, "How are you?" "I'm fine, I'm great. How are you?" "I'm great." I think that we have an opportunity to deepen the conversation with people that we are in relationship with, by being open and honest in a matter-of-fact way. Like, "Actually, not so great. My arthritis is flaring, and I had a hard time sleeping last night. How about you?"

 

Even if they're not living with chronic illness, most people suffer at some point in their life. It may not be arthritis; it may be something else. But for us to be open about what we're going through and to invite others to be open about what they're going through leads to a holding of suffering and leads to a deeper connection with people.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

I love that: being intentional to strengthen bonds that we have in our lives.

 

Brianna Ramos:

For me, I've learned that I can strengthen relationships and build stronger bonds in a variety of relationships through taking like an educational approach, right? Like when someone says, and we all hate this: "Oh, you're too young for arthritis," or whatever it is. I used to get mad; I used to get defensive. But instead, taking the opportunity to be like, "You know what? I can share with them and dispel that myth that they have, that only older people get arthritis."

 

So, I take it more as an open door, an open opportunity to kind of educate them a little bit, like, "Yeah, well, I do have arthritis," and kind of share a little bit about myself. I think that's another way: by taking a different approach to how we respond to others when they may get something wrong or have an assumption or an expectation about us based on some factor.

 

Katie Willard Virant:

I think that's a great point, actually. I'm thinking, too, about the 1 in 10 statistic; that 1 in 10 people in this country live with at least one chronic illness. It's actually not so uncommon as you might think. There are many people walking among us who live with illness, some of which are invisible.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Particularly for arthritis: 1 in 4 individuals have some form of arthritis.

 

Katie Willard Virant:

Wow.

 

Brianna Ramos:

I joined this local book club with some people who had, over time, became closer and closer friends to me. But it wasn't a group of friends that I had really shared about my arthritis with. A lot of people's first reaction when you're going through something is: How can we help?

 

There might not be a way for them to help you directly. But there's ways for them to get involved within the arthritis community and serve as an advocate for other arthritis warriors. And I think that that can be really powerful for some people. I know it was really powerful for me to have such a great group of friends at Jingle Bell Run this year. And I feel like they all learned a lot about what I've gone through and how arthritis affects so many of us.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Yeah. And for those of y’all that don’t know, Brianna’s team shows out every year. (laughter) She brings her friends, her family, and it's like the loudest, hypest group there.

I love it. They're such a huge support for you, and you can just tell by the smile on your face and everything, that you do feel supported, and it does help you with those relationships. Not only relationships and building bonds but also making a difference in other people's lives too.

 

Brianna Ramos:

It really is like a celebration.

 

Katie Willard Virant:

Brianna, it sounds like you invite people in, that you don't close the door. I think many people living with illness, there is such a shame about it and so much discomfort that there's an automatic, "I'm going to keep this part of my life off-limits." But it sounds like you've done a great job of throwing the door wide open and inviting people in.

 

Brianna Ramos:

Yeah. I also definitely have my mom to thank for that. She was the first person to get us involved with the Arthritis Foundation and Jingle Bell Run and all the things.

 

PROMO:

Donations from people like you make everything the Arthritis Foundation offers possible. Like arthritis research. Trusted information. Life-changing tools. And connecting with others. Thanks to gifts like yours, we’re here all year long to help people with arthritis manage their condition. Be part of the solution at arthritis.org/donate.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Brianna, you shared a few ways you find support beyond your relationships through Jingle Bell Run, through the JA camps and things like that. The Arthritis Foundation also has online and in-person Connect Groups. I have attended some Connect Groups specifically for osteoarthritis because that's the condition I'm diagnosed with. Katie, do you have any other resources for our listeners?

 

Katie Willard Virant:

I think that social media can be a really great tool. I mean, just being a part of communities on Facebook, being a part of communities on Instagram. Joining the arthritis-related social media sites. It's really something, even every day when you scroll down and you're seeing posts by people living with your condition — it does something, it normalizes things. You feel so much less alone.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Wonderful. Thank you.

 

Brianna Ramos:

I fully agree. When I started That Girl With Arthritis on Instagram and really connected with people all over. They understand what I'm going through on a different level than other people in my life do. And there's something to say about those relationships as well.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Before each episode, we post a question on social media, and for this episode, we asked, “How does arthritis complicate your love and relationships, and how do you deal with it?” Perla Fernandez said, “I am 51 years old and been dealing with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) for the last 17 years, and recently, lupus and menopause.

 

“Life has been challenging. Communication and education about your immune disease is one of the keys to maintaining a healthy relationship with your romantic partner. We schedule dates, and I rest and prepare myself to enjoy and have a good time. He is very attentive and listens. We get creative and make modifications. I’ve been doing exercises and lifting weights to help me slow down the deterioration of my joints and muscles. It’s not easy, but we need to keep moving."

 

Katie Willard Virant:

I love that she makes dates with her partner. I think that's great. It's really important for any couple, but especially when the added challenge of arthritis is thrown into the mix. I like how she talks about modifications and getting creative. It sounds like she and her partner have really good communication skills. And it sounds like they're doing something that's called communal coping, that they see the illness not as her problem to figure out, but as something that both of them are affected by, both of them share, and both of them contribute to developing creative solutions to managing.

 

Brianna Ramos:

Yeah, I love that. Max and I, Max is my husband, Max and I recently had a conversation about dates and like, they don't always have to be these huge, big, extravagant things. They can just be something where we stay in, and we do something special at the house instead of going out and doing something crazy. So, I think making time for things that you enjoy with your partner is super important, so I love that.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Patricia Clark said, "I live alone and enjoy it. I'm 77, I work, play golf and eat out. I have lots of friends. I eat a healthy diet and have lost 53 pounds. I take two minutes for my RA." Patricia's comment is such an important reminder that you have to have a good relationship with yourself and love yourself as well.

 

Katie Willard Virant:

And look at how much her identity is about: “I play golf, I, I see friends.” Having this full identity — that illness is part of your identity, and it's a big part of your identity, it really permeates. But there are so many other pleasures in life and other aspects of identity that go into making a full life. It sounds like she's really got that down pat, which is great.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Heather Patterson said, “I started having RA symptoms a few days after my 23rd birthday. My husband and I had just celebrated our first wedding anniversary a few weeks before that. It really put a strain on our relationship, as we were poor, newlywed college students. All of our money that we had saved up was going to medical bills, while my symptoms only got worse. I was then diagnosed with RA five-and-a-half months later. It has been a challenge, as I was very much a strong, independent woman who had to learn how to ask for help and know my limitations.

 

“Luckily, my husband is so supportive and understanding. We have learned to navigate our new normal and work through various challenges together. Communication is key. Reading articles about the impacts of RA has also helped as we navigated various aspects of our marriage. We have now been married for over 15 years.”

 

Brianna Ramos:

I love that. So, kind of relating to Heather, when I first met my husband, I was in remission. So, my arthritis was not really affecting my day-to-day life. I was in college and felt like Heather, felt like an independent woman, like I didn't need help from anybody. And then pretty soon after I graduated was when my disease came back full, full swing. It was soon after that that my now husband and I moved in together, so we were navigating a lot of new things. It can definitely be a lot, but if you're with the right person, it's like Katie was saying, like communal coping, like it's you navigate it together, and it's just a part of your story as a couple.

 

Katie Willard Virant:

I'm also struck by how life has changed for all of us, whether we live with illness or not. Life is change, it is the name of the game. Kind of like what you're talking about, Brianna. From a young age, you've had to navigate change: “I’m in remission, now I’m not, things are very different.” And it’s such a shift. But it sounds like you have become nimble, and then you and your husband together have become nimble at managing change. That's a huge strength, both individually and for a couple.

 

Brianna Ramos:

Yeah, I think it really touched on what Heather's story was, too. I just love to hear that she feels like they've really navigated it so well. That's such an awesome story.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Our next comment comes from Maureen Montgomery Mullins. She said that, "Some people in my family don't understand and assume that I'm using it as an excuse. I've chosen to distance myself from them for my mental health. I didn't choose to be chronically ill. I wish insurance would automatically cover therapy for people who have a diagnosis. The struggle is real."

 

Brianna Ramos:

One thing we didn't touch on talking about during this episode so far is how important it is to set boundaries sometimes. There's some people that sometimes won't get it, as much as you educate them and send them the resources and talk to them about what you're going through. It stinks. But really, if it's better for your mental health, then I think it's really valuable to make those boundaries for yourself, at least for now, until maybe they come around or maybe something changes. But if that's what's important for you to prioritize right now, then you have to do what's best for your health.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Agree.

 

Katie Willard Virant:

I agree with everything Brianna just said, and I also want to make a comment about the writer's wish for therapy. Don't be put off by the cost. There are many, many therapists that offer sliding scale fees. There are many training programs where you can see a very good graduate level therapist in training who's getting supervision from senior clinicians that offer very, very low-cost therapy. So, it is out there. It might not be apparent, but if you do some digging and even call a therapist that you know of or from Psychology Today, and say, "I'm looking for a low-fee therapy, do you have any leads?" The therapeutic community will know where to point you. The therapy is available.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

That's great advice, Katie. Thank you. The last comment comes from Heidi Hedges. She said, “I find I don’t get the support I need except from our arthritis community that ‘gets it.’ But my husband, family and friends try to understand and support me. For me, the trying part is important and shows that they care.”

 

I find that to be true as well. As long as you try and you're trying to get it, I don't expect you to fully understand. How could you, right? You're not in my body, you don't have the same experiences. How could you fully understand what it is to be in chronic pain? But if you're trying, that means something to me.

 

Brianna Ramos:

Yeah, I totally agree, Stephanie. We're so lucky to have this arthritis community. I think back on years and years ago when people were diagnosed with arthritis and took ibuprofen and didn't have anybody in their life who had… like especially juvenile arthritis. Those kids that went through that alone, it must have been really scary. So, I think we're really, really lucky to have so many amazing resources today.

 

PROMO:

The Arthritis Foundation’s Live Yes! Connect Groups are empowering support groups that bring people together for informative events and engaging activities. Peer-run and volunteer-led, they offer a place of understanding and encouragement and cover all kinds of topics. Find a group that matches your interests at connectgroups.arthritis.org.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Every episode, each participant shares their top three takeaways from the show. So, Brianna, let's start with you. What are your top three takeaways?

 

Brianna Ramos:

I think the first one is acceptance. Accept how important it is to go through the journey, like of acceptance with your chronic illness and how that can affect your relationships long term. The second one is open communication. How difficult it can be to openly communicate, but how important that is in laying the groundwork for really strong relationships. And I really liked Katie's point about being authentic in your communication, as authentic as you can be, how important that is, too. And then the last one, I think: limits and boundaries. I really felt for Maureen's comment, when she was trying to protect her mental health with relationships, and I respected her putting those boundaries up.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Awesome. Those are some great takeaways. Katie, what about you?

 

Katie Willard Virant:

I'm really impressed by what you both are saying about the arthritis support community. It's not my community; as I said, I don't have an arthritis diagnosis, I have a Crohn's diagnosis. But man, it sounds like you have an amazing community, and it sounds like it's been so helpful for both of you. So, I think being struck by that, being part of organizations that are filled with people who are on your journey with you, who really understand, that's incredibly important.

 

One of the commentators talked about trying, I really like that. I think that's a great takeaway. That people aren't necessarily, who are not walking in your shoes, they may not be able to totally get it, but their willingness to try to get it is really important. And my third takeaway: Brianna, I'm inspired by how you're opening the door to your friends, to acquaintances, to inviting them into your world with the Jingle Bell Run. It's a great way to involve people, to let people know about this part of your life, to go out in the world and be kinder and you know more knowledgeable.

 

Brianna Ramos:

Thank you. That meant a lot.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

Well, thank you both for sharing. I think my top three takeaways are that in order to improve relationships or even maintain them and have a good relationship, there has to be communication, like Brianna said. And that involves some level of vulnerability and acceptance. Two: Katie, what you shared about taking inventory and knowing what you can do versus what you can’t and what is most important for you, your identity and the things you want to do and what maybe you can ask for help on. And that takes a bit of a learning curve to learn, and it may vary every day, and accepting that it may vary every day because of your chronic condition.

 

And number three would just be asking for help in seeking out that community to build relationships, period. Whether that's, you know, reaching out to Connect Groups on the Arthritis Foundation website; whether that's inviting your friends to a run and kind of building those relationships that way; whether that's starting social media just to connect with like-minded folks to build up some relationships.

 

So, Brianna, Katie, I'd like to thank you for being on the Live Yes! With Arthritis podcast show today.

 

Katie Willard Virant:

Thank you so much.

 

Brianna Ramos:

Yeah, thank you for having me.

 

Stephanie Rosado:

For more information or arthritis resources, be sure to visit arthritis.org.

 

PODCAST CLOSING:

The Live Yes! With Arthritis podcast is independently produced by the Arthritis Foundation. Gifts from people like you make our podcast and other life-changing resources possible. You can donate at arthritis.org/donate. This podcast aims to help people living with arthritis and chronic pain live their best life. For a transcript and show notes, go to arthritis.org/podcast. Subscribe, rate and review us wherever you get your podcasts. If you subscribe through Spotify, leave a comment on their platform, letting us know what you think about this episode. And stay in touch!