Keep Marriage Strong When You Have Arthritis

When you need to chat with your hubby, sit down and take the time to explain your point of view. Think about things from his perspective too. Don’t assume your partner has more information than they do. “A lot of our relationship misery comes from expecting our partners to know what we are feeling without having to say it,” says Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD, a family psychologist who practices in Exton, PA.   

Honesty is a two-way street. Talk to each other about your feelings. You may be downplaying how badly you feel because you are worried your partner thinks you complain too much. Your spouse may be giving you the cold shoulder because they are really resentful about the burden of added financial pressure or housework.  

Make eye contact and use productive language when you talk. Avoid negative phrases such as, “you always do this” or “you never think of doing that.” Do not rehash old issues. Instead, look forward and discuss how you can do things differently in the future.

Do you struggle to bring up difficult conversations with your wife? Try using a scale from one to 10 to prep for the tough talks. For example, before saying you are not feeling up to going to the party tonight, give a warning by saying: “I need to tell you a problem that ranks about five or six.”  

When couples work together they feel more connected. Let your spouse help you manage your illness. Involve them in doctor’s visits or physical therapy appointments. “Working with your partner to handle your illness will automatically address issues such as communication, empathy, patience, learning to ask for help, or learning to tell someone what is wrong,” says LeslieBeth Wish, EdD, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in women's issues.  

Make sure your spouse understands the physical and emotional impact of your illness. Bring them to a support group meeting or better yet, find one you can join together. They need a safe space to express their feelings too!  

You know they mean well. But when your spouse is over-solicitous it can make you feel demeaned or powerless. “She may be trying to recover from knee surgery, and her husband may simply be worried that she’s going to fall,” says Kathy Robinson, PhD, an associate professor of nursing at the University of North Florida. On the flipside, while you may be in physical pain, remember your significant other is hurting in a different way. “He may feel incredibly helpless, so [let him know that] his just being there is helpful,” says Bernstein.  

You can’t do it all. When a spouse with arthritis needs a great deal of care it can become overwhelming for the healthy partner. Schedule some time off. Use service providers or ask a family member to help for a few hours a week.

Put sex at the top of your to-do list. Therapeutic lotions that reduce joint pain can help someone with arthritis relax for an intimate date.  

“Set up dates for sex so that the person with arthritis can prepare by taking pain medication, by not taking on too much during the day, and by building a sense of desire,” says Afton Hassett, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and associate research scientist at the University of Michigan.

You are never truly dressed without a smile. Do something fun together that makes you both laugh every few weeks. Plan a trip to the flea market, go to a football game, or share a hobby you both enjoy. A little affection can also go a long way. Touch or kiss your partner every day. Slip them a sweet note or email, just to say you are thinking about them.